


and i know we weren't perfect, but i've never felt this way for no one

by naturepen



Series: you call the shots babe, i just wanna be yours [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:28:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28998285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturepen/pseuds/naturepen
Summary: When both of them continue to stay quiet, Jaehyun forgets about his lunch and tries to leave the kitchen at a lightning speed. “I’ll just ask him myself then.”Jungwoo grabs his wrist harshly, “You can’t tell him we told you.”Mark nods before getting another slice of pizza. “He doesn’t want people to know.”Jaehyun rolls his eyes, shaking his wrist free from Jungwoo’s grasp. “Just spit it out.”Jungwoo takes one last look at Mark before peering into Jaehyun’s eyes, a gaze so intense Jaehyun almost falters. “Yuta wants to end his contract early.”Jaehyun’s stomach drops.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Series: you call the shots babe, i just wanna be yours [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2127318
Comments: 17
Kudos: 182





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this is my first NCT fic. I was inspired by events and theories within the fandom about Yuta, and general discourse about his future in NCT. Since Yujae is my favorite ship, and an underrated one at that, I decided to just write it out. I tried to make this fic as realistic as possible and hope you enjoy!

“He says it’s best for him, you know.” Mark says in a tone still soft enough for Jaehyun to hear, though he doesn’t mean to pry into what seems like a private conversation on a mostly normal Monday morning. 

The dorn auntie told them ahead of time that she would be out today, so they’re stuck fending for themselves. Jaehyun finishes up making a small cheese omelette, it’s nothing fancy but will have to do for his last-minute lunch. He heads to the fridge, maybe they have some leftover kimchi fried rice he could salvage. 

As Jaehyun rummages through the fridge, he hears Jungwoo let out a dramatic sigh. Jaehyun rolls his eyes. How could they expect him to ignore their conversation when they were being so damn loud?

“I get it. I really do. I’m just going to miss him so much.” Jungwoo sounds sadder than Jaehyun has heard in a while; the last time he sounded like this was right before he decided to go on hiatus for months. So, despite his better judgment, he’s definitely paying attention to their conversation now, desperate to know what was going on. 

“He says he’s going to keep in touch.” Mark explains hesitantly. Though not as sad as Jungwoo, Mark sounds different. Almost like he’s not even there, like his mind is too far away from their kitchen. “And you know Yuta, he means what he says.” 

Jaehyun’s head snaps up at the mention of Yuta’s name. Suddenly he feels like he’s lost his balance and almost hits his head on the inside of the fridge. “Why would you miss him?” Jaehyun says before he realizes the words are flying out of his mouth.

“Dude, don’t you know it’s rude to eavesdrop?” Mark muffles while chewing on a slice of pepperoni pizza. 

Jungwoo flinches next to him before turning to Jaehyun. “You weren’t supposed to hear any of that man.” 

Jaehyun knows he wasn’t supposed to hear any of it, but he did, and now he needs to know. “What’s going on with Yuta?” 

Mark swallows the food in his mouth and then glances at Jungwoo who’s biting his lip so hard it might start bleeding. 

Jaehyun’s frustration and impatience only grows. “Seriously, tell me what’s wrong.” 

When both of them continue to stay quiet, Jaehyun forgets about his lunch and tries to leave the kitchen at a lightning speed. “I’ll just ask him myself then.”

Jungwoo grabs his wrist harshly, “You can’t tell him we told you.” 

Mark nods before getting another slice of pizza. “He doesn’t want people to know.” 

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, shaking his wrist free from Jungwoo’s grasp. “Just spit it out.” 

Jungwoo takes one last look at Mark before peering into Jaehyun’s eyes, a gaze so intense Jaehyun almost falters. “Yuta wants to end his contract early.” 

Jaehyun’s stomach drops.

* * *

The first thing Jaehyun feels is hurt. He’s aware that he doesn’t have the loud friendship Yuta has with Mark, a friendship so undeniably clear to the fans. Or the silent but strong one he has with Jungwoo, one where Jungwoo claims he can’t live without him and Yuta knows it. 

But Jaehyun thought that Yuta would at least tell him about something like this. Something that would affect the whole group, not just 127, but all of NCT. No one has ever tried to leave early, and SM entertainment doesn’t let go easily, making sure those who leave before their contract is up are blacklisted in the industry. He thought they were friends, meant to be in each other’s lives for decades to come. Didn’t Jaehyun deserve to know he was planning on imploding his own career? 

Jaehyun knows a part of him is lying; it’s not just about friendship, it never is with Yuta. He’s known ever since his sudden urges to punch Sicheng, his best friend, whenever Yuta so much as looked at him with fondness in his eyes. Or when those thoughts of violence transferred over to Mark once the cameras began to focus more on their friendship. Or when his chest constricted every time Yuta named him the member he would most want as a real life brother rather than the member he would want to date if he was a girl. 

His stupid crush on Yuta has lasted for years now. He can’t even remember when the feelings started, but at this point, they were intrinsically a part of him. He didn’t think he’d ever be free of them.

But Jaehyun’s not stupid. He recognizes it’s impossible to have a relationship in this industry. They’re too busy, spread too thin to find someone to love wholeheartedly. Though SM encourages dating within the company if they were to do it at all, he’s sure they won’t be happy about him dating another man, especially one from his own group. 

And despite Yuta’s announcing to all the members that he was interested in boys, girls, and everything in between during their days as SM Rookies, he’s never once indicated he may return Jaehyun’s feelings. 

Jaehyun has long resigned himself to this unrequited love. He’s never expected anything but friendship with Yuta. He’s prepared for the irrational jealousy and turmoil that comes with seeing him interact with other members, even though it’s unlikely his flirting will go anywhere. 

Jaehyun used to believe that these feelings would stay with him until his time in NCT was over. That the only way he would stop feeling this way would be if they all went their separate ways. But now that there’s a chance of that happening, imagining a world without them feels alien. Imagining a world without Yuta at least being a room over feels even worse.

* * *

He wasn’t expecting anything to change when he found out, but Yuta seems almost eerily normal, as if he wasn’t planning on ruining everything he’s ever worked for since the age of 16. 

He’s in the common area with Jungwoo now, watching an episode of Alice In Borderland. Both of them are obviously engrossed in the drama. Gasping, screaming, and hitting each other in excitement whenever something interesting happens. Jaehyun’s under the impression they don’t even notice him until he’s halfway out the door. 

“Jaehyun!” Yuta shouts as he pauses Netflix before the next episode starts. 

This might be it, he might finally tell him he’s leaving. And after those words leave Yuta’s mouth, Jaehyun can’t keep denying that everything was changing, that a world without Yuta next to him would be coming soon. Jaehyun swallows harshly before stepping back into the room. “Yeah?” 

He noticies Jungwoo walking over to the kitchen, probably to look for more snacks before starting the next episode, and Yuta walking over to him. “What time are you going to be back from filming?” 

“Around the same time as usual I guess, probably 7, maybe 8.” That is, if Jaehyun didn’t manage to mess up any of his lines and hold the entire cast and crew back. “Why?” 

Yuta smiles hard. He’s beautiful as always with his perfect teeth and impossibly round eyes. “I was planning on making sukiyaki tonight for everyone.” 

He pauses when he notices the look of confusion on Jaehyun’s face. “It’s like Japanese hotpot. I wanted to get better at doing adult things this year, and I figured there’s no better time to learn how to cook, but obviously I want to make sure you’ll be here. You know, if you aren’t too tired after a day of filming.” 

He’s rambling at this point and Jaehyun should stop him and leave soon if he wants to get to set on time, but Yuta’s so endearing, so interesting to listen to. His words flow out like water and he has a confidence that Jaehyun can only wish for, like he knows he’s the most important person in the room. 

A soft smile graces Jaehyun’s face. “I wouldn’t miss it.” 

Yuta smiles back. There’s a comfortable silence between the two of them for a couple of seconds until Yuta reaches out. “It’s freezing outside.” He says as he grabs onto the zipper of Jaehyun's winter jacket and slowly moves it up. Once the zipper reaches the top, Yuta lightly taps Jaehyun’s masked cheek twice. “Bundle up, I don’t want you to get sick.” 

Jaehyun feels the tips of his ears turning red and flushes under his mask. “I’ll see you tonight.” He says weakly and walks out the door.

* * *

“Cut!” Park Jinwoo groans in frustration. “Okay everyone, it’s getting late. We’ll pick up next week. Enjoy your weekend.” The cast and crew begin to disperse, tired from an extended day of filming in the cold.

“Jaehyun could you stay back for a minute.” The director says. 

His co-star, Hyunsung, gives him what’s meant to be a comforting pat on the back, but only spikes Jaehyun’s anxiety instead. “Good luck man, sounds like you’ll need it.” 

He can feel his palms beginning to warm up as he takes steps to Jinwoo. His heart continues to beat like a jackhammer. “You wanted to see me sir?” 

Jinwoo looks Jaehyun up and down for what seems like forever, though realistically, only a couple of seconds have passed. “Listen kid, I don’t know what’s been wrong recently, but you’re showing as much depth as a block of wood in every scene.” 

Jaehyun winces. He realizes he’s been distracted ever since he found out about Yuta leaving, but he didn’t think it was getting to the point where his acting was affected. “I’m sorry sir, I’ve been going through something personal and I prom-” 

The direction cuts him off. “The viewers won’t give a damn about what you’re going through. They only care about what you can do on screen.” Jaehyun takes a small step back and his body locks up.

“I told you from the beginning that I don’t care how pretty of a face you have, if you want to stay on this drama you have to act. You’ve got some talent kid, but I don’t have time for idol actors who don’t pull their weight.” He explains calmly. 

To a bystander Jaehyun must seem awfully interested in his shoes; his eyes are firmly planted on the ground. He doesn’t want to be known as just another pretty face. In fact, that’s the exact opposite of what he wants, it’s one of his greatest fears. He wants to be respected for his singing and acting, and anything else he decides to do. “I’ll do better next week sir. You have my word.” 

“Jaehyun, I know you try your best.” Jinwoo starts in a much kinder tone this time. “But you need to be able to do your job no matter what else is going on.” He finishes firmly and goes, leaving Jaehyun alone with nothing but the wind and his thoughts. 

After contemplating for who knows how long, Jaehyun finally reaches into his pocket and takes out his phone. It’s already 8:30, and he won’t get home until at least 9. He has notifications from everyone on the 10th floor. 

_ From Mark:  _

_ Dude can you hurry up? Yuta won’t let us eat until you get here. I’m starving man.  _

_ From Jungwoo:  _

_ Yuta wanted us to wait for you before we could open the sake, but I drank some anyways  _ 🤫

_ From Taeil:  _

_ Hey Jaehyun, hope you’re doing well. Let us know when you’re on your way home. _

_ From Yuta:  _

_ Jaehyun ignore everyone else!  _ 🙄 _ We know you’re working hard and we’ll wait!  _

_ Your tardiness gave me a chance to try making soufflé cheesecake! _ 🍰🍰🍰

There are two more texts from Yuta consisting of pictures, one being an image of what Jaehyun assumes is the cheesecake he made, and other being a selca of a smiling Yuta with flour on his nose. Jaehyun grins to himself and saves the second to his own camera roll. He texts them all that he just finished up and is heading back soon, then calls his driver. 

* * *

Dinner flows as smoothly as possible once Jaehyun finally gets back home. The food is good, and Yuta takes offense when Taeil says this out loud in surprise, causing the rest of the members to erupt in alcohol-induced laughs. 

Right now they’re all sitting at the table while Yuta works on cleaning the massive pile of dishes in the sink. 

“Jungwoo already had two pieces of cake.” Mark whines. The members are currently debating which one of them deserves the last of Yuta’s shockingly edible Japanese cheesecake. 

“I feel like I deserve it the most considering I’m the only one who actually helped Yuta cook while the rest of you played video games.” Jungwoo smugly replies. 

“Stop lying!” Yuta’s voice carries from the kitchen. “You gave up after 10 minutes!”

Before Jungwoo can respond, Taeil looks to Jaehyun. “Do you want the last slice?” He asks.

Jaehyun had just finished his first slice, and this whole dinner plus dessert probably counted for at least four of his cheat meals instead of just one. He shakes his head. “I’m good.” 

Taeil smiles brightly and turns back to Mark and Jungwoo. “Right then, I think I deserve the last slice since I’m the oldest and you should always respect your elders.” 

Jaehyun grabs his dirty dishes and makes his way to the kitchen. On his way there, he can hear Mark and Jungwoo groaning about Taeil pulling the elder card. He laughs quietly to himself. Once he makes it to sink he admires Yuta. His newly cut blond hair is a mess, and he’s scrubbing a pan too hard when it would be better to let it soak.

“Are you going to help me or just stare?” Yuta’s voice breaks him out of his trance. When Jaehyun doesn’t respond, Yuta smirks. “You know if you just want to stare you can take a picture. I’m not sure I look so great right now, but that’s always an option.” 

Jaehyun feels his face heating up for the second time today because of Yuta, despite that, he manages to mumble a response. “You always look good.” 

Yuta’s smirk turns into a more genuine smile. His eyes soften. “You do wonders for my confidence Jaehyun.” 

“I do what I can.” Jaehyun grabs the pan from Yuta. “It’ll be easier to clean if you let it soak for a while.” 

Yuta scoffs. “I can get it out.”

Jaehyun ignores him and changes the subject. “This was nice. We should do it more often.” 

Yuta beams at him, forgetting completely about pots and pans in the sink. “I think my Japanese cooking has greatly improved since our disastrous V Live. If this idol thing doesn’t work out, I can always be a house husband with these new skills.” 

The comment brings Jaehyun back to reality. Is Yuta already thinking about giving up performing completely? Jaehyun can’t imagine him anywhere else besides the stage, even if he left SM, left him. Jaehyun realizes that he’s been quiet for too long and it’s ruining the mood. 

Jaehyun clears his throat. He can tell Yuta can tell Jaehyun’s feeling awkward. Yuta always knows. Almost as if he’s tuned into Jaehyun’s brain and can sense his shifts in mood before they happen. 

Yuta laughs again and carries on as if the slight tension was never there. “Do you want to watch Studio Ghibli movies with me tomorrow?”

“Huh?” 

“We haven’t done anything together in a while. Jungwoo has a hair appointment tomorrow at noon, so your room is completely free, and I’ve been dying to rewatch Howl’s Moving Castle.” Yuta explains.

When Jaehyun hesitates, Yuta continues. “It’ll be a good way to practice your Japanese too.” Jaehyun’s aware that he’ll most likely spend more time watching Yuta than watching the movie, meaning his Japanese won’t make any improvement, but he nods anyways. 

Yuta looks delighted. “Great.” He turns back to the sink. “Okay I’ve let it soak, let’s see if helped.” Jaehyun knows that it needs to soak for longer to really make a difference, but he doesn’t say anything. He just smiles to himself and watches Yuta work.

* * *

The credits of the movie begin to roll, but Yuta keeps his head planted on Jaehyun’s shoulder and begins to hum the exit song. He can smell Yuta’s strong mint shampoo from his morning shower. All he could think about during the movie was his proximity to Yuta, how his touch always makes him feel just a bit dizzy. 

Jaehyun clears his throat. “What do you want to watch next?” 

Yuta gets off the bed and starts stretching his arms and legs, obviously needing to loosen up after sitting for a while. Jaehyun misses his scent already. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

The words make Jaehyun panic. He doesn’t want to have any conversations about Yuta leaving. He’s completely fine pretending that it’s not happening, but he’s known for almost a week now and doesn’t know how much he can keep ignoring it. Jaehyun nods slightly. 

Yuta bites his lower lip before continuing. “So, I’ve noticed you’ve been a little down lately.” He starts slowly. “I just wanted to let you know that if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here for you.” 

Jaehyun can’t move. He feels more tense than he ever remembers feeling in his life. Why won’t he just tell him what’s going on? Why didn’t he want him to know? 

Yuta smiles gingerly at him. “You’re really important to me Jaehyun-ah.” 

Jaehyun feels like he’s been slapped in the face. How could he say that after everything? After lying by omission to him. Jaehyun’s body burns red. He can’t think, he can’t breathe. “Then why are you leaving?” 

Yuta’s jaw drops. Neither of them make a sound. Yuta continues to look like a fish out of water but it’s too late for Jaehyun to back out now. “Your contract. Why do you want to end it early?” 

Yuta slips out of his daze and begins to rub his nape. He’s looking everywhere but Jaehyun. “Who told you?” 

Jaehyun figures there’s no point in keeping it a secret at this point, Mark and Jungwoo will have to deal with the consequences that Yuta deems fit for them spilling his secret. “I overheard Mark and Jungwoo.” 

“Of course you did.” Yuta says without humor. He’s still avoiding looking directly at Jaehyun, instead opting to stare at his own nervously moving hands. 

“It doesn’t matter how I found out. It matters that you’re ruining your career, and everyone else’s too.” Jaehyun says. Yuta finally looks Jaehyun in the eyes. He opens and closes his mouth twice, undoubtedly wanting to say something, but clearly unable to find the words. 

“I mean, you know that’s what’ll happen right? The company won’t just let you leave, it’ll end in a lawsuit, and if you make it out, that’ll only make things harder for the rest of us who stayed.” Jaehyun knows he’s being harsh, but he doesn’t care, maybe if Yuta really listens to him he’ll realize how this is all a stupid idea. “What happened to making sure you never betray your members?” 

Yuta takes a deep breath in. “It’s not that easy, you don’t know how much I’ve thought about this, and I know the risks, believe me-” 

“Then why are you doing it?” Jaehyun shouts. He’s absentmindedly aware that there’s a good chance one of the other members heard that, but he can’t control himself. He needs to make sure Yuta understands. “Why are you giving up everything you’ve worked for, everything we’ve worked for, since we were teenagers?”

“Why do I have to be the same person I was when I made that choice at 16? Especially when I never thought it would be this hard back then.” Yuta’s voice is soft and his eyes are sad. Jaehyun feels a twinge of shame, but he still can’t comprehend Yuta’s thought process. 

“So you’re just giving up? You’re okay with leaving just because things are too hard now?” This isn’t fair. Yuta can’t just go. Jaehyun needs him to stop believing that he can just abandon them, not after almost a decade together. 

“You wouldn’t get it!” It’s the first time Yuta’s has raised his voice during the conversation. 

“No, I get it, you’re just okay with being a coward.” Jaehyun regrets the words as soon as he speaks them. 

Tears are building up in the corner of Yuta’s eyes and threatening to spill. Jaehyun has seen Yuta cry a million times during movies, at concerts, after experiencing a particularly bad case of homesickness, but he’s never been the reason for it. He knows he’s gone too far. 

“You were always going to succeed in this industry Jaehyun.” Yuta’s already begun weeping. Jaehyun’s hand itches to wipe the tears off of his face, but he doubts Yuta would appreciate it right now. “I can’t say the same for me.” 

Jaehyun aches to ask more questions and is more confused than ever. What did Yuta mean by that? But before he can voice his curiosity, Yuta rushes out of Jaehyun’s room, and perhaps, out of his life. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, here's the next chapter. As a little disclaimer, all of this is fiction and I don't know how the real life NCT members feel about their positions and opportunities.

Jaehyun walks back-and-forth in front of Yuta’s door. He didn’t have the chance to speak to him after their fight, and he’s pretty sure Yuta is avoiding him, considering he was nowhere to be found in the house after he stormed out of Jaehyun’s room in tears. 

Jaehyun groans to himself. There’s no doubt that he needs to apologize to Yuta. He crossed a line calling him a coward when Yuta’s always been the opposite of that. And maybe, just maybe, after Jaehyun apologizes, he can have a real conversation with Yuta about his impulsive decision, one where there’s no shouting or insults, and Yuta will finally understand where he’s coming from.

The door suddenly swings open revealing a tired looking Taeil with a bad case of bed head. “Yuta isn’t here.” Taeil says in a flat tone. Jaehyun cringes to himself. Taeil is obviously in a bad mood, possibly because all of Jaehyun’s pacing interrupted his ability to sleep on a Sunday morning. 

“Right, he gets up early to walk sometimes.” Jaehyun mutters to himself. Taeil looks anything but amused once Jaehyun finally glances at him, but Jaehyun decides he might as well ask him for some answers despite Taeil’s clear annoyance towards him. “Do you know where he is?” 

“No, but even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you.” Taeil says cooly while pressing his back against the wall. 

Jaehyun feels his jaw clench and his ears heat up. All he wants to do is to fix things with Yuta. He didn't need Taeil to make it harder for him when he was trying to be apologetic. “Look, I don’t know what your problem is, but I really need to talk to Yuta, so if you could get over your issues and just tell me where he is, that would be great.”

Taeil rolls his eyes at him, and Jaehyun feels shock running through his veins. Why was Taeil acting like this? It’s rare that he’s ever rude to any of them. He’s always been understanding, polite, and willing to hear them out.

“Why would I tell you when it was you who made him cry all night?” Taeil spits out with venom lacing his words. 

Guilt washes over Jaehyun’s body. All night? Jaehyun didn’t think what he said hurt Yuta to that extent. It was worse that he thought. “How did you know it was me?” Jaehyun demands. 

Taeil rolls his eyes again. “Contrary to popular belief, we are roommates, we do talk to each other.” 

Jaehyun knows that Yuta and Taeil have always been close, though not much in front of the cameras, but enough that they always choose each other as roommates for trips outside of their dorm. He still didn’t expect Yuta to tell him about yesterday. Does Taeil even know what Yuta’s planning on doing? “How much do you know?” Jaehyun asks. 

“Enough.” Taeil’s curt answer only further irritates Jaehyun. There was no point in being vague. If he didn’t know the whole story he has no reason to judge Jaehyun’s heat of the moment response, especially when Jaehyun knows it was wrong and is trying to make amends. 

“I know some of what I said was uncalled for, and I want to tell him I’m sorry for that.” Jaehyun starts slowly. “But he’s still making a huge mistake.” 

“He’s an adult, he can make his own choices.” Jaehyun can’t believe Taeil’s so nonchalant about this. First Yuta, now him? Was Jaehyun the only one around here clearly seeing the problem? 

“Not when his choices impact the rest of us.” Jaehyun retorts in frustration. Why doesn’t anyone else understand that part? 

Taeil stares at him with a contemplative look, not saying anything at all. Jaehyun squirms under his gaze. A sigh escapes Taeil’s lips. “Do you know what he’s been through lately? Not even lately, but since debut?” 

Jaehyun starts chewing on his lower lip. Yuta has always been clear about his dissatisfaction with the lack of parts he has. He was more outspoken about that to the public than anyone else he knew. “I know he doesn’t get a lot of lines, but-” 

“It’s not just about the lines.” Taeil interrupts. “Remember when Mark got upgraded to a main dancer and instead of having three main dancers in the group, Yuta was demoted to a lead dancer by SM? He was bothered by that for weeks, but didn’t tell anyone. Or when he asked the company for more lines in our Japanese comebacks and they shot him down. Or even recently, when they sent him off to do a radio show for Loveholic, but didn’t give him the right equipment until his fans sent thousands of emails.” 

Jaehyun stays silent. How is he meant to respond to all that? He knows SM isn’t the best at promoting Yuta, but that doesn’t mean he should just give up. He’s about to voice this until Taeil beats him to it and continues with his rant. 

“What’s the point in being in the group if he can’t even get lines during Japanese comebacks? It’s like he’s only important when they need someone to translate.” Taeil explains. “Not to mention he’s obsessed with checking what people are saying about him online.” 

Jaehyun flinches. He knows that the comments towards Yuta can be less than positive on the Korean and international sides of their fanbase. Of course he would take them to heart given how much of a victim he is to his emotions. And he knows Yuta deserves to be more than their token Japanese member, but what could they do about that? “It’s always been like this, why is he so sure about leaving now? He still loves performing right? He still loves us right?” 

Taeil nods sadly. “Everyone has a breaking point Jaehyun. Taeyong and Mark deserve all the lines they get and the opportunities that come with being in a supergroup. You and Doyoung deserve to act in dramas, but what about the rest of us? Shouldn’t we get to do what we want too?” 

Now Jaehyun feels somewhat agitated, it wasn’t easy for him to get where he is. “It’s not like the company says yes to everything we ask for either. We all work hard for what we have.” 

“This is what Yuta meant when he said you wouldn’t understand. We know you guys work hard, and SM doesn’t always give you a yes, but you get more than he does.” Taeil exhales. “Even I’m in a better position compared to Yuta, at least I get to sing on the albums, even if the company says no to everything else. Jaehyun, at this point, besides friendship, what does Yuta really gain from staying?”

* * *

Taeil’s words replay over and over again in Jaehyun’s mind as he sits in the makeup chair. Yuta loves 127, Jaehyun knows he does. But maybe that love wasn’t enough for Yuta to stay anymore. Even if it’s not enough, it doesn’t seem fair to Jaehyun that he can just decide to go, that he can just ignore the impact him leaving will have on the rest of their careers. How that one decision will affect the chemistry they have within the group, their footing in Japan, whether SM will decide to keep them on a tighter leash if one of them escapes. Jaehyun feels a headache coming on just thinking about it. 

“Looks like you’re done.” The makeup artist steps back to examine her work and beams with satisfaction. “With a face like yours, you’ll be all over Korea after this drama airs.” 

Jaehyun mumbles a quick thank you before heading to the interview room. He should be accustomed to it by now. Everyone who he works with always talks about his visuals, his physique, his face. Jaehyun knows he’s a good looking guy, but he yearns to be known for more than just his conventional beauty. 

The interviewer smiles at him once he walks through the door. “Welcome, welcome, please have a seat.” She gestures to the chair across from her. Jaehyun takes a seat before the interviewer continues. “My name is Kim Aera. I’ll be doing both your individual interview now, and the group interview we’ll be having later with your costars.”

He smiles his most charming smile at her. “Nice to meet you, I’m Jung Jaehyun.” 

“This interview shouldn't be too much of a nightmare I hope.” Aera says in a soft voice. “Are you ready to start?” 

Even though Jaehyun’s done millions of interviews, this was his first as an actor, so he feels a bit jittery. He reminds himself to breathe and finally answers Aera. “Absolutely.” 

The interview goes by effortlessly. Aera’s a ball of positivity and her excitement transfers over to Jaehyun, making him feel completely at ease as she asks questions about the drama and his character. The questions she’s prepared aren’t anything revolutionary, but Jaehyun was glad that his first interview wasn’t something too intense, that he practiced his answers to these questions a million times before, leaving less room for a slip-up. 

“Given the previews, it seems like Cha Minho is someone who’s experiencing unrequited love, have you ever experienced this type of love?” 

Jaehyun absorbs the question for a moment. Clearly he had. His current unrequited crush was making his world tilt in the most unpleasant way possible due to his pending disappearance from his life. But Jaehyun couldn’t exactly tell that to the Korean public. “I think everyone’s had times where they’ve liked someone more than they’ve liked them. That’s what makes Cha Minho such a fun character to watch, he’s really relatable.” 

The interviewer laughs. “Yes, that is a really relatable experience. What advice would you give to someone experiencing this type of love?” 

Jaehyun has to school himself to make sure he doesn’t laugh. How could he possibly answer this question? Jaehyun was nowhere near qualified given his own situation with unrequited love. “I would say that it’s important to be honest. Also, you should have confidence in yourself. Maybe if you tell that person how you feel, they’ll feel the same way. And if not, maybe you’ll find someone better later on.” 

“That’s very mature advice from you Jaehyun.” Aera raves. “Okay, last question, what are you most looking forward to when your drama finally airs later this February?” 

Jaehyun thinks about it for a while, and if he were to be honest, what he was most looking forward to were Yuta’s reactions. He’s aware that Yuta loves a good drama, and he had hoped that Yuta would be one of the members to actually watch his, maybe they could even watch it together. Now he wonders if Yuta will still be in Korea by the time the last episode airs. “I’m just excited to hear the viewers’ thoughts.”

* * *

The interviews and shoot for the magazine spread took hours, and exhaustion flows through his bones. He’s basically dragging himself home and Jaehyun’s ready to flop into bed after a warm shower. When he finally reaches his apartment he sighs in relief. Once he opens the door he’s greeted with Shotaro sitting on his couch. 

“Hi,” he squeaks in nervous Korean. Even though they worked in a unit together, Shotaro still clearly feels nervous around him, Jaehyun muses. He realizes that if Shotaro is here, then Yuta must be too. Anxiety zaps through his body. This would be the first time that he’s seen Yuta since their failed attempt at a movie night. 

“Hey Shotaro, how are you doing?” Jaehyun says as he steps into the apartment. It hits Jaehyun that if Yuta’s leaving, who will be there for Shotaro? Jaehyun wonders if he’s already told Shotaro of his plans, and if that’s part of the reason why he’s begun to introduce him to his Japanese friends from other groups, so he’d have a support system when Yuta wasn’t there. Maybe he’s even warned Shotaro that debuting under NCT isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 

Shotaro smiles timidly at him. “Yuta-san and I are heading to a birthday party. He’ll be back soon if you want to see him, he just needs to grab his wallet.” 

Jaehyun weighs his options, he does need to talk to Yuta but he doesn’t want to make things uncomfortable for Shotaro who already looks like he’s seen a ghost. “I’ll catch him later, have fun at the party.” He gives a quick two finger wave to Shotaro and heads to his room before Yuta gets back.

About five minutes later, he can hear Yuta and Shotaro excitedly speak to each other in Japanese. A burst of pain hits Jaehyun’s heart. He’s never heard either of them so at ease. Jaehyun knows that Yuta is often susceptible to homesickness, but having Shotaro here should make it better for him. He didn’t need to go back to Japan anymore to have a piece of home in Korea. 

* * *

Jaehyun sits at the coffee house with Sicheng across from him waiting for his hot latte to cool down. Since Sicheng moved out of the 127 dorms and joined WayV, they decided to try and meet up at least once a month when they’re both in Korea amidst all the chaos in their lives. It’s a good way to keep their friendship strong, and they’ve been keeping it up for a while, but today Jaehyun can’t focus on whatever Sicheng is talking about.

“Okay what’s up with you, you’re like, a million miles away.” Sicheng asks before taking a sip of his coffee.

The corners of Jaehyun’s lips turn up apologetically. “Sorry I’ve had a lot on my mind.” 

“Well obviously you do, but I need you to be more specific if you want any help.” Sicheng jokes. Jaehyun’s been dying to talk about all of this with someone, but he never wants to betray Yuta, who seems to think that the less people who know, the better it would be. 

Jaehyun hesitates, but decides to ask Sicheng anyway, maybe he’ll get more insight this way and understand what he can say to Yuta. “Have you ever thought of ending your contract early?” 

Sicheng taps his fingers on the table. “Is this about Yuta?” 

Jaehyun fights the urge to bang his head on the table. Maybe he was wrong about Yuta wanting no one to know about his plans. “He told you?” 

Sicheng takes a bite of the blueberry muffin he ordered before replying. “Not really, I just figured it out on my own.” 

When Jaehyun doesn’t respond to this statement, Sicheng gets the hint to continue. “Ever since Shotaro debuted there have been rumors online about a unit debuting in Japan, and whether Yuta would be pulled out of 127.” 

“So he came to you because the same thing happened to you with WayV.” Jaehyun finishes. A Japanese unit hadn’t even been on Jaehyun’s radar. The company wouldn’t do that to another member, would they? Not after the backlash they got for Sicheng. A Japanese unit may mean Yuta leaving 127, but at least he would still live in Korea like WayV does.

He nods. “Right, he was just contemplating the possibilities with me in case it happens.” 

“So what did you tell him?” Jaehyun asks in genuine curiosity. If anyone knew what it would be like to be put in a new unit, it would be Sicheng. 

“That it’s hard.” Sicheng says with dejected eyes peering into Jaehyun’s own. “I love WayV, and it’s comfortable for me in a way 127 never was because I’m surrounded with people that speak my language and know my culture. But it was still hard to re-debut, it was still hard to be erased from 127, and it was still hard to get minimal lines even now.” 

Jaehyun listens intensely, though he’s always known deep down that Sicheng was someone unhappy with the treatment he received from SM. “But you still like it right? You wouldn’t think of ending your contract early, right?” 

Sicheng nods and Jaehyun feels like someone is finally on his side. If Sicheng talked to Yuta again, then he could convince him that this wasn’t the right move to make. That Yuta could stick it out for a couple of more years before leaving the company. 

“But Jaehyun.” Sicheng interrupts his thoughts. “I’m not Yuta.” Jaehyun clenches his fists together. This can’t be happening. Sicheng can’t be against him too. 

“He’s terrified of NCT Japan. He’s worked almost 5 years with 127 and doesn’t want to give it up, and even though he might get more opportunities in Japan, he doesn’t know if that’s guaranteed given SM’s track record with him, and other foreign idols.” Sicheng explains. “But he’s not getting much from a career standpoint in 127 either.” 

“I understand that, I know he’s upset about all that, but ending the contract early won’t just hurt him, it’ll hurt all of us.” Jaehyun says with desperation coloring his voice. 

“Will it?” Sicheng questions. 

“Of course it will. It’ll ruin the chemistry between the group, we’ll have to relearn how to perform all of our songs, our popularity will go down, we won’t have him to help with our Japanese comebacks, and SM might be stricter on those who stayed.” He could list at least five more reasons why Yuta needs to stay, but one look at Sicheng’s face makes it clear he doesn’t want to hear anymore of them. 

“The unlimited concept of NCT makes it so that we’re all replaceable at the end of the day. Losing one person out of twenty-three won’t make a huge difference.” Sicheng says with no emotion, as if he didn’t just call them all replaceable. 

Sicheng pops another piece of his muffin in his mouth. “And everyone’s popularity, especially yours, will be fine, even if Yuta isn’t in the group anymore. Jaehyun, really think about it, why are you so mad that he’s leaving? Does it really have anything to do with the group?”

* * *

All things considered, Jaehyun is having a pretty good day on set so far. Fortunately, he’s not needed for most of the scenes being shot today, and therefore, he’s been escaping the wrath of their micromanaging director. Unfortunately, it’s also given him a lot of time to be consumed by his own thoughts. 

Sicheng’s prompting forces him to realize that maybe he wasn’t upset because Yuta leaving will impact NCT, but because it’ll impact him. The NCT brand, 127, and the company will eventually recover from losing Yuta, especially with a new Japanese member who in the eyes of SM could easily replace him, the only person who won’t recover is Jaehyun. 

Yuta leaving now means that his story with Jaehyun will always end in an incomplete sentence, one where Jaehyun pined for years and never had the courage to tell him before it was too late. Jaehyun groans and puts his head in his hands. 

“Jeesh, you sound happy.” Eunbin says sarcastically as she takes a seat next to him. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

It might be good to get another perspective on the situation, someone who wasn’t an idol, but Jaehyun didn’t even know where to start. 

“Come on, tell me, letting it out won’t make it any worse. I promise I won’t let a word slip to anyone.” She raises her pinky finger and looks at him expectedly. And Jaehyun believes her, she’s always been sweet towards him and constantly helps him to adjust to being an actor. Even though they’ve only known each other for a short time, he trusts her enough for this, as long as he keeps the information vague. 

Jaehyun hooks his own pinky to hers. “Okay.” 

He takes three deep breaths, hoping that the action would help his head from spinning. Eunbin kindly waits until Jaehyun’s ready to talk. “There’s this person in my life that I’ve really liked for years, but I haven’t told them about my feelings.” He starts off. 

She nods at him. “What’s stopping you from confessing?” 

Jaehyun lets out a rough laugh. “I guess, I was always sure they never liked me. And now it’s too late to confess.” 

She moves closer to him and puts her hand on top of his. “Jaehyun, you’re shaking. Just, explain the story to me slowly, and then we’ll talk about it.” 

He bites his bottom lip before continuing. “I called them a coward because they want to leave Korea. And now we haven’t spoken since then. I don’t know what to do to make it better, to get them to forgive me.” 

Eunbin begins to rub circles on the back of his hand as a gesture of comfort. “Well, first I think you should apologize, and just be honest that you didn’t mean it. And I also think you should tell them how you feel.” 

“What’s the point of doing that? They want to leave it’s too late.” Jaehyun bitterly remarks.

“Jaehyun, in this industry, we’re always going to have trouble having a love life, and it’s worse for idols." She explains. 

Eunbin removes her hands from Jaehyun and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear before continuing. “But that shouldn’t stop you from taking risks, and aiming to be happy. Maybe your confession will be the catalyst to make them rethink things. Don’t you want to make this person happy too?” 

“What if he says no?” Jaehyun notices too late that he let the pronoun slip. 

He stares into Eunbin’s eyes searching for any indication of judgement. But they only go wide for a second before reverting back to their natural kind state. “Then you move on, but this fear shouldn’t stop you from trying. You deserve to get this off your chest, and he deserves to know all the facts before making a decision about going.” 

* * *

He’s standing in the middle of Yuta’s room waiting for him to get back from an online fansign. He begged Taeil to be out for a couple of hours and surprisingly, Taeil agreed. Though not before he warned Jaehyun there would be dire consequences if he managed to hurt Yuta even more. But now he has a couple of hours to apologize, and if he can manage it, confess. 

Jaehyun hears the doors click open and comes face-to-face with Yuta in days. Just getting to look at him again, be this close to him again, make Jaehyun’s heart skip a beat. 

Yuta’s eyes widen in shock and he takes off his airpods. “Jaehyun?” He says in surprise. 

Jaehyun clenches his hands besides him. He had a plan for this, but just looking at Yuta makes his mouth dry up and forget everything that he had prepared. “I’m sorry.” He exclaims. 

Yuta furrows his brows together, but doesn’t say anything, so Jaehyun takes the opportunity to continue. “I’m sorry for calling you a coward, I didn’t mean it. You’re the opposite of one, and I shouldn’t have said that.” 

“Jaehyun, it’s okay.” Yuta mutters, not meeting Jaehyun’s eyes. 

“No it’s not.” He stresses. “It’s not okay, I made you cry, I shouldn’t have done that. And I shouldn’t have yelled at you about leaving.” 

Yuta looks up and Jaehyun can tell he’s struggling to keep his tears at bay. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, he wasn’t supposed to make him cry a second time.

“I don’t want to get any of you involved.” Yuta stutters. “I was going to make sure that the company never did anything to the group. You know, with a good lawyer. It’s just that, I don’t know how to stay anymore.” 

“That wasn’t the reason I was mad.” Jaehyun blurts out. “I know you would never try to hurt the group, even if you aren’t a part of it anymore.” 

Yuta tilts his head to the right and raises one perfectly groomed eyebrow. “Then why were you so upset?” 

Jaehyun stares at him again. His owlish eyes, his rosy lips, his messy hair. God Jaehyun has wanted him for years. He’s taking two steps before he can really think about it, and cups Yuta’s face in his hands. He licks over lips once and molds them to Yuta’s own. 

Yuta lets out a tiny gasp before their lips meet, and for a good ten seconds it feels like Jaehyun’s the only one putting work into the kiss. He’s about to pull away, filled with shame due to the perceived rejection until Yuta opens his mouth and lets Jaehyun slide his tongue in. 

Jaehyun moans and only attacks Yuta’s mouth even harder, catching his lower lip with his teeth and biting softly. Somehow, he ends up pushing Yuta’s jean jacket off his shoulders and maneuvering them both to the bed, Yuta heaving heavily under him. 

Yuta’s tugging on his shirt and Jaehyun realizes he wants it off, and does just that. Soon enough, Yuta’s cool hands are exploring his tight abs. Jaehyun smirks at his obvious appreciation and attaches his mouth to the juncture between Yuta’s shoulder and neck. He’s rewarded with more faint sobs of pleasure from Yuta. 

Jaehyun slips off Yuta’s tank top next. His frame is much thinner than Jaehyun’s own, but he still looks so good. Jaehyun’s eyes catch on to two new medium-sized butterfly tattoos painted partially on his lean lower abs. He delicately rubs his thumbs over the tattoos. “What do they mean?” 

Yuta tenses under him but relaxes soon enough. “Freedom, being able to fly whenever you want.” 

Jaehyun takes in a harsh breath. “I’m sorry.” He repeats before catching Yuta’s right nipple with his teeth. He lowers his left hand and palms his cock through his pants. 

“God, Jaehyun, please.” Yuta whines. He switches over to his other nipple and continues to tease him lightly. Then, he kisses down his chest, and removes his hand away from Yuta’s cock, causing Yuta to groan in frustration and buck up. 

Jaehyun tugs lightly on his belly button piercing with his teeth, earning another gasp from Yuta. He kisses both his butterfly tattoos once each before pulling down his pants, and then his boxers. 

Yuta’s cock springs up in front of Jaehyun, pretty and pink and leaking. He experimentally smears Yuta’s precum over the head. Yuta starts letting out loud moans. Jaehyun continues while simultaneously bringing his head down to Yuta’s balls and lightly sucking on them. 

Yuta’s still jerking up and Jaehyun decides to finally put his mouth on him. Yuta lets out a moan of relief once Jaehyun swallows him whole, flattening his tongue and hollowing his cheeks for better access. Yuta tastes so divine. Jaehyun can’t get enough. 

Jaehyun picks up the pace, provoking Yuta to make all sorts of noises. “Jaehyun, I’m going to cum soon.” 

He smiles with Yuta’s cock still in his mouth and runs his tongue over his head, once, twice, three times, until Yuta empties out inside of his mouth while shouting his name. Jaehyun drinks it all and removes his mouth from Yuta’s cock with a pop. 

Jaehyun looks up at a panting Yuta, his chest rising and falling due to his release. He feels a slight sense of pride knowing that he did that, that he made Yuta scream for him. He’s rubbing his fingertips on Yuta’s tattoo’s again, not sure what to do next until Yuta lifts himself up and places a kiss on his mouth. 

Jaehyun eagerly returns the kiss and let’s Yuta turn them over so Jaehyun’s the one laying on the bed while Yuta sits on top of him. Yuta quickly pecks over his chest, and lowers his mouth to his abs. He spends ample time peppering them with short, fast, kisses. 

He sits back up again and takes Jaehyun’s cock out of his pants. Yuta sets a brutal pace with his hand. “You’re so good at this.” Jaehyun groans. “I’ve liked you for years Yuta, I just want to be with you, to make you feel good.” His sex-hazed brain lets the words slip out. 

Jaehyun sees Yuta bite his lip, but he doesn’t stop moving his hand. “That’s why I didn’t want you to leave.” Jaehyun says, closing his eyes as Yuta continues to touch him. 

“I know it’s selfish, I know I’m a bad person, but I just want you.” Jaehyun moans out as he climaxes on Yuta’s stomach. 

Jaehyun opens his eyes to a shell-shocked Yuta, maybe completely unaware of the implications of what they’ve done, but Jaehyun doesn’t care. He sits up, grabs Yuta by the nape, and kisses him deeply. “Stay with me.” He says when they separate. 

Yuta’s eyes are glazed over as he searches Jaehyun’s face. “I need some time to think.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's all for the first installment. I hope you all enjoyed. The next part will be in Yuta's point of view. Comments are always appreciated, please let me know what you think, it'll make me write faster.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for Title: driver's license by Olivia Rodrigo


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